Normally, I wouldn't ever do this kind of thing, writing down my perpetual personal thoughts and feelings for everyone else to read. I'm afraid that the wrong person will find what I've written, and use it to deceive me at all possible costs. I'm frightened that my closest friends will read this, thinking of me much differently, and treating me as if I was someone else; someone unknown to the majority of whatever society I grew up in. I'm afraid I'll end up as an outcast, alone and uncertain of my future.

I tend to stray away from negative thoughts and emotions for my own benefit. But they never really leave me. No matter how hard I try to cover up everything that makes me unhappy, it's never truly gone. They follow me, tease me, always make it so tempting for me to yell at anything and everything in sight; but that never happens. Not being able to destroy something verbally or physically, whether it be a random stranger or an inanimate object, always results in the urge for me to cry.

Heh, cry. No one would care if I shed a few tears. They'd probably think it was just for attention. Everyone would tell me about how I shouldn't be crying because there are plenty of people in the world who have it worse. Well, you know what? I honestly don't care. Saying that may make me seem rather selfish, but when people say that, it doesn't make me feel any better. When I'm depressed, shouting doesn't help cheer me up at all. Regardless of how my lifestyle is much better than the lifestyle of someone in a third world country, I'm a human being; I have needs and emotions just like everyone else. I need to be loved and cared for as much as anyone else.

...Everyone else. I may say I'm equal to everyone else in the world, but honestly, my mind doesn't really want to think that way. I like to think of myself as a superior, even when I'm not. I want to be above everyone else, even those I'm closest to; the smallest mistake makes me feel inferior to the rest of society. I don't feel as intelligent as others say I am. Whenever I have an intellectual conversation with someone else, I hardly say a word; I feel as if I'll be ridiculed for my lack of knowledge on a specific subject.

I have no way of standing up for myself. I'm weak; not that I really consider myself the violent type anyway. I can't stand pain; not even the slightest pinch. I'm unable to attack anyone verbally either. When I'm under pressure, my brain tends to lock up, causing me to lack the ability to outwit anyone. I tend to slur my words, and confuse my sentences. I can't complete a thought out loud without me having to correct myself. Much too often does this happen, so I just try to avoid conversation with a handful of people that I know.

...Huh. Why does that last part stay plastered in my mind? It's simple, really; I don't know too many people. I have so much trouble even sharing important information with another member of some group I'm in. I'm afraid they'll automatically think I'm some freak, rejecting me without question. A lot of people have done that in the past, and I'm sure plenty of people will do so in the future. I'm unsure of what the reason could be, however. Perhaps it's because I'm not in the same clique as everyone else in the world. Or maybe it's because I'm interested in something society doesn't consider "cool" or worth being interested in. Not a very legit reason, though; it's like people can't choose who they are anymore. They completely lack the ability to choose for themselves.

Maybe I really am better off alone. I bet no one will read this. I bet no one would care. That's understandable, I guess; to be honest, I wouldn't care about myself either. I'm not worth anyone's time. I'm simply just a nuisance for everyone else. Heck, I'm pretty sure people want to avoid me, now. Well, whatever. This isn't important anyway.